When Everything Changed
Brandi Booth
I am reflecting on a post I shared around two weeks after Jeremy passed, when everything had just changed for my family. At the time, I was still in shock and trying to understand what life would look like without him. Most days, Brixton and I woke up feeling like he was just away on tour, and I would catch myself wanting to call or text him before remembering he was gone.
Watching our beloved Jeremy decline before our eyes during the months he was sick was incredibly painful, and his tragic passing brought old wounds to the surface. The systems I had built to keep my life functioning were suddenly dismantled, and I was trying to create a new normal as a single mom while also handling everything that comes after someone dies.
I was grateful for everyone who reached out, even if I could not respond right away, and I knew Brixton and I would get through it, but it would take time. I thought my transparency about being overwhelmed would ease the pressure.
Instead, I could never have predicted what would happen next, or in the years that followed.
Jeremy died on January 9, 2023.
The following is the post I shared on January 25, 2023.
Good Morning.
Yesterday was 2 weeks since Jeremy passed. I am still in shock. Most days Brixton and I wake up and it feels like a typical day because we are so used to Jeremy being gone on tour. I find myself wanting to send him a text or call him about stuff going on and then realize he isn't here. I can't believe he is gone.
It is hard for me to imagine that Brixton and I will not have him in our lives. What will holidays and special events look like in the future with him gone? What will Brixton’s life look like without a dad? Most days I wonder what in the hell happened. The months Jeremy was sick seemed like years when we were going thru it. Watching him slowly deteriorate every day was difficult. The strong athletic guy we all knew slowly dying day by day. Now those months seem like weeks.
As a long-time sufferer of CPTSD, this situation added another layer of trauma that I am struggling with. It has literally brought all the old wounds I have been working on with my therapist to the surface. That is the problem with PTSD. No matter how hard you work at healing that trauma it is always there. I have lived in a fight-or-flight mode all my life. Pepper in my ADHD and that adds a whole different dimension.
I have learned to create systems to make my life easier so I can accomplish all my goals. Everything I do has system. But now the system I have had in place for years to make my life function like a machine has been dismantled and I'm needing to create a new system for myself.
I am a new single mom. This is all going to be new to me. It is just a lot. I also never realized all the paperwork, emails, and phone calls go into someone passing. I am trying to get back to all the phone calls, emails, texts and Instagram messages you all sent me. If I have not responded please don't take it personally. I have not got back to even my mom or family at times. I am just really overwhelmed and I have so many moving parts and people I am trying to keep up with.
Anyhow, I just wanted to post an update since I have been quiet the last couple of weeks. Brixton and I will get thru this but it is going to take time for a new normal.
Love, Brandi ❤️
